How to have fun with your cat,
and accomplish a few practical things in the meantime
You and your cat will enjoy
MAKING COOKIES TOGETHER:
1. Look in cookbook for cookie recipe.
2. Get cup of coffee.
3. Remove cat from cookbook.
4. Find a mouth-watering cookie recipe.
5. Remove cat's nose from coffee mug.
6. Get eggs from fridge.
7. Get dry ingredients from cupboard.
8. Break eggs in small bowl.
9. Sift dry ingredients in large bowl.
10. Answer the phone.
11. Observe that while on phone the cat ate the eggs; get more from fridge.
12. Remove cat from flour bowl and dust cat off.
13. Get Band-Aids for cat scratches on hands.
14. Throw flour out and get more.
15. Preheat oven for cookies.
16. Resist the urge to toss the cat in the oven. Cat disappears into bathroom.
17. Flour the counter to roll out cookie dough.
18. Crash reverberates from bathroom; run to see what happened.
19. Observe that cat has strewn toilet paper all over floor and knocked makeup and toiletries off of counter.
20. Yell at cat. Cat falls in toilet bowl.
21. Sense that cat is angry.
22. Remove cat from toilet and dry cat off.
23. Retrieve bandages to cover more scratches on arms and legs.
24. Clean bathroom.
25. Hear a thump in kitchen. (Oh brother...now what?)
26. Remove cat from floured kitchen counter.
27. Try to pick out cat hairs from flour.
28. Step on cat's tail and get bitten..
29. Get coat, car keys, and go to store to buy cookies, bandages and catnip toy.
Source: Towncats
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An easy anti-gravity device will give your
cat an alternative way of navigating around your house:
The following picture illustrates the physics of this phenomena:
If you can not find your cat, you should really look everywhere, even in the closet:
If the only thing your cat does is sleeping around the house, you might consider
this invention (issued US patent):
EXERCISING A CAT
A method for inducing cats to exercise consists of directing a beam of invisible light produced by a hand-held laser apparatus onto the floor or wall or other opaque surface in the vicinity of the cat, then moving the laser so as to cause the bright pattern of light to move in an irregular way fascinating to cats, and to any other animal with a chase instinct.
"The Cat Annoyer"
or Three Mouse Monte for Maximum Feline Aggravation
The idea is something like a puppet show for cats. The fuzzy mice dart in an out of their "mouse holes", controlled by you. We guarantee that, once you leave the house, the cat will have that thing shredded into 8 zillion pieces by the time you get home.
Have you tried to bath your cat? You should do it equipped with this technique:
MOST EFFECTIVE METHOD OF BATHING A CAT
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape).
CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power wash and rinse' which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.
Second Method to bathe a cat:
1. Know that although the kitty cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, we recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)
2. Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. We recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face-mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.
3. Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule.)
4. Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have now begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.
5. Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.)
6. Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared with what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg.
7. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.
In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.
You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But at least now he smells a lot better.
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